The Quest for Alone Time

Alone time is really important to me. Even before quarantine and the increased extra time at home together, I was homeschooling and running command central with my husband’s help for a large family of boys and young men. But a girl needs a little peace and quiet after all. This time alone has, by necessity, become a daily staple of my growth and self care.

I usually have at least an hour of personal time at the beginning of the day where I set my compass, listen to and then direct my mind, meditate, pray, journal, workout, or read. My kids have a plan for their entire day and especially this early time. They know not to interrupt me. And they know what to interrupt me for.

this might work for you

So I thought I would share my approach – what works for us. Maybe it will help you carve out both space and establish flexible boundaries resulting in more “you” time. You’re worth it!

• I look to what will likely come up during that time of day (permission for various foods, drinks, activities, the kids’ patterns of who wants to do what/when/where and the likely effects. I then troubleshoot answers ahead of time to those questions and think through guidelines to common challenges that may arise. This plan I communicate with them early and often – usually it is also written!
• Next I let them know I am available for safety issues or for conflicts heading towards a bigger problem. I am not available for phone calls, questions about toys, locating that missing sock, etc. But they are clear that if a significant problem arises, I would rather be interrupted than have unnecessary drama that is out of their ability to handle.
• Finally, I sometimes check in with them before I go into “Monk Mode” and let them know I won’t be readily available for a specific time span and ask if there is anything unusual we need to plan for to make it a good and peaceful time for them, too.

My kids are awesome about respecting and honoring that time because it has become normal to do so. Kids rise to our level of expectation and it’s also true that about 1/3 of the time, I need to exit “Monk Mode” and help out in some way.

just this morning…

Just this morning that happened and the kids needed me to help de-escalate an argument that was building. They apologized and my reply was, “Thank you for helping protect this time for me! And, me being part of the solution for you isn’t taking away from my spiritual practice. It is the heart of my practice.”

I helped them work things out and then went back into my cave. The thing is, I have been in the situation many times where I just sat down for a minute or two, or finally entered a deeply still place inside when I heard things getting rocky outside my door. I have felt the frustration and disappointment of not being able to enjoy and continue in what I so deeply desired to experience. The irony of becoming quickly irritated from my spiritual repose has been a source of self-deprecating humor more than once!

CONSCIOUS MOTHERHOOD

But, I have chosen to see my motherhood as a cornerstone of my quality of life not a threat to it. In this modern world where kids are often seen as an inconvenience and parenthood is perceived as the end of peace and quality of life, I want to say this: intentional parenting takes more time on the front end but gives you infinitely more peace in the long run. Remember we will relate to our kids in their adulthood for at least twice as long as we related to them as children. We have to build for the future and if we do, it’s better now and unthinkably rewarding then.

The desire to escape the pain of life only dramatizes the reasons we need to escape it. There is no escape. We can ignore unresolved issues of all kinds, but solutions only come by honestly assessing what’s not working, making a well-considered plan, and following through one small step at a time.

Of course it’s inconvenient and challenging and we may bemoan that it’s even happening. But if we stick with it, what we create is empowering and fills our world with beauty, value, connection, and priceless rewards.

PROGRESS BEATS PERFECTION

My commitment to investing in and refining my life is a daily discipline. Sometimes I succeed in having my hour of blissful home retreat and sometimes I am interrupted several times to deal with things that frustrate me and feel upsetting. Either way I am on track.

We never get it perfect… and perfect isn’t even the goal. We want to become more mature, more versatile, more flexible and skilled in functioning in every area. Which brings me back to my morning quiet time…I aim for a chunk of uninterrupted time, and if that doesn’t happen, I let the interruption be integrated as a “moving meditation,” a life meditation if you will. Isn’t that the point anyways? To embrace whatever we experience and integrate it into our spiritual practice? It is for me. My life is my practice. And I do my best to embrace it all.

Cheering you on,
Rachel