Without this skill you are behaving unconsciously, numbing yourself to life with whatever distractions you prefer and modeling that for your children.
The Key Parenting Skill Few Are Aware Of and How to Develop It
Hello Beautiful,
After a wonderful Summer break, I am returning to the blog. Recently, I was conversing with a kind woman in a local shop —and when she discovered I had 6 sons, she was flabbergasted.
She asked me what parenting advice, not commonly offered, would I like to share with her for raising her children. This is the point I shared with her and wanted to offer you as well….
A key skill the modern child isn’t being taught is —how to feel their feelings. Rather than deal with the challenges of helping a child navigate fear/disappointment/anger/rejection/boredom/etc. most parents offer a distraction. Our world is full of easy distractions….most often in the form of a screen.
Most parents who want a quiet meal at a restaurant, hand their child an iPad or a phone. It’s easier than teaching a child the art of conversation, proper manners, how to relate politely to waitstaff and fellow diners, and how to engage in conversation.
Most parents who need some time to recharge after a long day, are all too happy to have everyone go into their own world listening to and watching different things on their devices to wind down.
The pain relief sought from having to feel and grow through uncomfortable parts of our day extends beyond screens to food rewards, change of location, change of topic, and myriad more distractions.
Unfortunately, parents are doing the same. Not just with screens (8 hrs a day is the new norm—in addition to work/school use), but with alcohol to relax, smoking something to chill out, or food addiction.
Our modern existence offers us so many ways to “escape” the overwhelm of a life of unprocessed emotions and experiences. A moment of relief quickly snowballs to a lifetime of denial and generalized angst about all the unprocessed things that are waiting in the wings.
We all need outlets to unplug, relax, and set down the burdens of life. Downtime is key for our health (mentally and physically). However, daily emotional processing, weekly trend review, and monthly support are minimums to keep growing healthily into wholeness and maturity.
Sadly, few of us have also learned how to know when it’s time to get up and do the energy intensive work of self reflection and of processing what we are feeling and why.
If we don’t face the myriad of things we have buried under the rug, we will eventually find there is no where left to hide.
Parenting is like the rest of life: if you put in strategic effort on the front end. Over time you can help build the qualities that make the little human you have been entrusted with an emotionally resilient person.
Your child will learn to be reflective, understand the implications of their choices, and create more and more constructive patterns. They will be kind, compassionate, and you will genuinely enjoy their presence. And so will others!
But, if you are too often putting off the work of parenting with presence and strategy, it will feel more and more necessary to escape in your own ways, and to direct them to the same.
Since, few adults have learned to feel their own feelings and process them intentionally and constructively, they really don’t know how to model or how to teach this skill to their children.
Most parents feel overworked, under rested, and in need of more logistic and community support than they have access to. The economy, the political rancor, and the challenges of life that seem to grow at an unmitigated rate of scope and depth….it’s a lot for us all to deal with.
So, what are we to do? Since our problems will not go away; we must change our way of life if we want a change.
As a parent, you will need to take an unfiltered look at how you are spending your time and energy.
How can you create more rest and reflection for yourself so that you have the energy to parent at a different level?
And how can you learn to re-parent yourself (learn as an adult, what you are trying to model for/teach your children) around emotional awareness, processing your feelings, and facing alternatives with courage?
Without this skill you are behaving as an addict. You are numbing yourself to life with whatever distractions you prefer and you are modeling that for your children. You are not offering them the skills they need to not drown in the sea of emotions they will face in a lifetime.
It takes courage to face these hard truths. It takes resolve to make the necessary changes. It helps if you have a mentor in your own journey so that you can break the unhealthy patterns you inherited and the unconscious habits you have taken on. I would love to help you through this process.
Our future and freedoms depend on reviving our ability to not run away and distract ourselves when we feel overwhelmed. Everyone can learn how to do this if they persist with resolve, humility, curiosity, and faith.
Cheering you on,
Rachel
ps. If you would like to work with me to help you reach your goals, get more information here: Click here for details